How to Change the Other Person. A Foolproof Way

How to change the other person? A foolproof way to live the wonderful adventure of life as a couple with more peace and lightness.

Airton Humber · 16/01/26 · 7 min de leitura

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How to change the other person

A foolproof way

There is a question that runs through many relationships, even when no one has the courage to ask it out loud:

how do I change the other person?

And it shows up in many forms:

“how do I make him understand?”
“how do I make her stop doing this?”
“how do I make him be more…?”
“how do I make her be less…?”

The curious thing is that, almost always, this question is not born of malice.
It is born of weariness.

It is born of the feeling that living together has become a contest.
And that, if the other person changed a little… everything would be better.

But there is a detail that life teaches with time:

trying to change the other person is one of the fastest ways to destroy a relationship.

The desire to change the other person looks like love… but often it is control

Many people try to change the other “out of love.”

They say it is care.
They say it is concern.
They say it is for the good of the relationship.

But in practice, the message that reaches the other side is usually this:

“I am not enough the way I am.”

And this wears the bond down.

Because one thing is to walk together.
Another thing is to live being corrected.

One thing is to be advised.
Another thing is to be shaped by force.

And here a simple truth fits:

changing the other by force does not bring transformation.
It brings deformation.

Living is a risk

There is a truth we almost never say out loud:

life begins under risk.

And it is not a philosophical risk.
It is a real risk.

The first risk is so basic that it seems small…
but it is enormous: the first cry.

Parents wait for that sound as if it were a door opening.
Because until it happens, everything is a question.

And when the baby cries… it is not just a cry.
It is a sign of life.
It is a sign that the body responded.
It is a sign that the world has received someone.

But the risk does not end with the first cry

Right after comes another silent expectation: will the baby be able to nurse?

And this too is deeper than it seems.

Because nursing is not just “feeding.”
It is breathing properly.
It is coordinating.
It is having strength.
It is managing to live.

And then, with time, another challenge begins…
one that no one teaches, but every human being has to overcome: walking on two legs.

It seems simple… until we remember what it means.

It means balancing.
Falling.
Getting up.
Falling again.
Trying one more time.

And it is not only walking.

It is walking without falling too much.
It is walking without breaking.
It is walking without giving up.

From the very beginning, life keeps saying, without words: Live!

Living is going through risks

And perhaps the greatest liberation of our lives is this:
to stop pretending that we are safe.

But also not to live in fear.

Because there is a kind of peace that only arrives when we see:

that fragility is not a defect
that risk is not a surprise
and that life is not a place of control…

it is a place of discernment.

A simple everyday example: the steering wheel

In my case, I have been with my wife for more than fifty years.
And in all that time, I have never been involved in a car accident because of any recklessness on my part.

Even so, she insists on wanting to control the way I drive.

And I notice that this is common in many couples.

The curious thing is that, many times, it is not a lack of trust in the driving.
It is something else.
It is an excess of fear inside.

It is an attempt to avoid risks.

It is the heart saying, without realizing it:

“if I control, I am safe.”

But control does not bring true safety.
Control only brings wear and tear.

Because the one who drives feels watched.
And the one who watches feels tired.

And what was supposed to be a trip… becomes a field of tension.

The root of the problem is not the car. It is what rises up between two people

Most of the time, the conflict is not about the subject.
It is about two different views living together:

one wants to avoid risks
the other wants to breathe freedom
one wants predictability
the other wants lightness
one wants control
the other wants trust

And here there is an important correction:

it is not that one “is like this” and the other “is like that.”
It is that, in certain situations, we react the way life has shaped us.

What looks like personality is often protection.
What looks like stubbornness is often fear.
What looks like coldness is often defense.
What looks like control is often insecurity.

And we can include here other common examples:

control of schedules
control of money
control of the way of speaking with others
control of food/health
control of routine

That is why, when I try to “fix” the other, I almost always miss the target.

Because what shows up in the other’s behavior may be only a symptom.
And the root, most of the time, is invisible.

“You were not like this when we met”

This is a very common sentence.

And it usually carries a hidden disappointment:

“you have changed.”

But sometimes the change was not natural.
It was produced.

The other kept giving in.
Kept adapting.
Kept being shaped to the demands.

And a day comes when he is no longer himself.
And she is no longer herself.

And the most tragic part is that this can happen without shouting, without betrayals, without great tragedies.
It happens little by little.

With small daily concessions.

Until one day someone realizes:

“I have lost myself.”

And this teaches something very serious:

whoever loves does not turn the other into a project.
Whoever loves transforms the environment.

Because the environment is where life breathes.
And breathing is very different from obeying.

The foolproof way to change the other person

Now comes the part that seems too simple… but it is the truth:

never try to change the other by force.

You can hardly change yourself.

The most you can achieve, by insisting, is this:

pressure
force
embarrass
manipulate
win arguments
create fear
create guilt
create silence

But this is not change.
This is deformation.

And deformation costs dearly.

Loving presupposes acceptance (but not self-erasure)

Loving presupposes accepting the other as he or she is.

But it is important to say clearly:

accepting the other is not erasing yourself.

Accepting the other does not mean:

tolerating abuse
accepting disrespect
accepting humiliation
accepting injustice
accepting violence
accepting a betrayal of conscience

Accepting the other means something essential:

not trying to control the other to ease my insecurity.

It means to stop treating the other as a problem to be solved.
And to see the other again as a person.

Because when I make the other a project, I stop loving him or her.
I start managing.

Accepting the other is accepting the adventure

Living together is an adventure.

And every adventure has risk.

The risk of not being understood.
The risk of being frustrated.
The risk of living with reactions different from mine.
The risk of realizing that the other feels and thinks in a way that I never would.

But this risk is part of life.

And running from it by trying to control the other is turning the relationship into hell.

Because control does not produce love.
Control produces resistance.

Our fight is not against people

When a relationship becomes war, almost always someone is looking in the wrong direction.

Our fight is not against people.
And even less against the person in our relationship.

The problem is not “the other.”

The problem is what rises up between us:

fear
anxiety
pride
neediness
the need to be right
hurry
an uncured past
the desire for control

And when I understand this, I stop fighting against the person…
and begin to fight to preserve the bond.

Because defeating the other is not victory.
It is loss.

Kingdom of God: justice, peace and joy

And it is here that I understand what Jesus announced as the Kingdom of God.
Not as a distant place, but as a reality that begins within.

Paul summed it up perfectly:

the Kingdom of God is justice, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

Justice, not as speech, but as an aligned life.
Peace, not as the absence of problems, but as inner rest.
Joy, not as euphoria, but as a life that breathes.

And the Bible goes beyond an ordinary joy.
It speaks of rejoicing.

An intense, deep joy, born of the presence of God, of the Holy Spirit, within us.

It is this presence that goes on forming Christ in us.
And Christ in us is the hope of glory.

Rest has a name: Today

And Jesus gives a beautiful warning, because He does not deny the risks.
He only calls us back to the right place: today.

“…each day has enough trouble of its own.”

In other words: do not carry tomorrow as if you were God.

And the author of Hebrews speaks of this same place of rest, and calls this rest by an impressive name:

Today.

And he says something that even seems contradictory:

“Make every effort to enter that rest.”

Because this effort is not to do more.
It is to stop resisting.
To stop hardening.
To stop living in control.
To stop running away to tomorrow.

It is the effort of believing.

Conclusion: a foolproof way

So here is the foolproof way to change the other person:

do not try to control the other.
do not try to reform the other by force.
do not try to turn living together into correction.

You can hardly change yourself.

The only solution is to accept the other as he or she is…
and to accept also the natural changes over time.

And to accept, along with this, the risks of the adventure, sometimes light, sometimes difficult, of living with people and situations that think, feel, act and react differently from us.

Because this is loving.

And this is living.

And when the Kingdom of God begins within, life does not become free of risks…
but it stops being governed by them.

Justice. Peace. Joy in the Holy Spirit.

And rest remains available, with a simple name:

Today.

Therefore:

do not control.
do not correct.
love.

And do it in the only place where life happens:

Today.

Because God is love.